MISSILES OF FREEDOM
Ministry of Truth and Re-consideration (No current Equivalent)
As True Libertarians, we believe in small government. So small we will not run candidates over 5 feet tall.
Public forums are so 2008. We will robodial-in our talking points. Every 15 seconds. You’re welcome! #sohip
The free market solves all problems! We will create a ballot exchange free market where citizens can sell their election ballots to the highest bidders. But we will put price controls on left wing ballots – if they love regulation so much, they can have it. All.
We shall arbitrarily create an arbitrary measures committee.
We will streamline democracy! Trips to the polling stations are only required if you are voting against the boar. All un-cast ballots will assume consent.
We shall increase the voting age to 65. Only old people vote the right way.
We shall give people the right to change from within.
We definitely will not ask anyone for any opinion during elections. Elections are not a time to ask for public opinion.
We will move the legislature to the Calgary Chamber of Commerce.
We will get rid of anonymous voting privileges. If you’re not proud of being libertarian, you should have to declare it.
We will change the current term of office from forty years to eighty. We need more long-term thinking.
We are Libertarians, as long as we’re in charge.
Environmental Policy (Department of Money and Stuff)
Tar sands shall be renamed the ‘freedom sands’.
David Suzuki shall be banished to roam the hills of Nova Scotia – the sky is falling there too Chicken Little.
Environmentalists shall wear green arm bands so that they can be more easily identified.
All wild animals will have the opportunity to work. If they are valued in the market, they will not go extinct. AND they’ll be useful for a change.
All animals will be given personhood, as recently advocated by PETA. If the Wild Boar Party is voted into power, no longer will animals be bound into slavery; rather, we will ensure that all animals are subject to a minimum wage*. Killer Whales and other sea life at SeaWorlds across the continent will be among the first to access the dignity all animals deserve.
Two legs are better than four, which are better than flippers.
The freedom sands will rightfully be recognized as National Parks, with viewing platforms and stuff.
Tailing ponds shall be renamed ‘duck ponds’.
Being a vegetarian is treason. And also required.
We shall cease selling ourselves into bondage to the Danes and the Dutch by investing in technology such as “wind mills” that slaughter our birds, tousle our hair, and cause general malaise.
A 20 minute warm up time for all vehicles shall be legislated.
We will allow unrestricted logging in Banff and Jasper – why let such a resource go to waste?
First Nations Policy
We’d like them to go back to where they came from.
Defence (Ministry of Provincial Offence Strategy)
We will immediately establish a militia guard surrounding Delburne. We strongly suspect Prince Edward Island is plotting to steal it.
We will weaponize the mountains. They’ve just been sitting there for far too long and when the Icelandics show up, you’ll thank us for planning ahead.
PEI to be the sworn enemy of the Wild Boar Party.
We pledge to inform you daily of things you should be afraid of. Today it is asparagus.
No more free rides on the gravy train. We’re pretty sure that’s the train from Montreal to Calgary.
We will double the size of the rat wall to keep out the Texans.
We will annex Boar Island, NFLD as the ancestral sacred home for the Wild Boar.
Ministry of Moustaches and Mullets
Education (Ministry of Child Protection)
We must protect our children from the evils of uninformed thought.
We must protect our children from themselves.
We must protect our children from the nanny state.
We must protect our children from nannies.
We must protect our children from the poor.
We must protect our children from gun laws.
We must protect our children from overprotection.
We must protect our children from electric vehicles.
We must protect our children with spears.
Inter-provincial Affairs (Ministry of Sovereignty and Co-operation)
We will physically separate Alberta from Canada so we have a use for all of our boats.
We will re-draw the boundary between AB and SK to give SK the boring parts
Immigration Policy : No immigration, unless they’re from Newfoundland, and provided they can pass a test to demonstrate fluency in English as an second language.
We will place an embargo on Texas.
We will annex Cuba (Smoke ‘em if you’ve got em…)
Personhood should be extended to pets.
*Don’t worry, we’re getting rid of that too.