It is voting day and here at Boar HQ (Hind Quarters) we are very excited. The Wild Boar Party is declaring victory in the provincial election. We were on the ropes there for a bit since it was looking like voter turnout was up but we are confident that the no-voters are going to remain in steady form this election. As you know, our policy is to count no vote as a vote for Boar and we are pleased to be given the mandate from Alberta’s people, plants, fauna, and bitumen to form your next government.
We promise that you will never see us; we are small and transparent, as your government should be. Thanks you loyal Boar, we couldn’t have done it without you and your little declarations! We certainly couldn’t have done it without Ezra Levant’s glasses, bacon, flying squirrels, corporations, freedom sands, ethical oil of olay, ethical oil changes, and our plethora of sound, rational and reasonable policies. We look forward to telling you how you should live after we pretend to care what you think! Cheers Alberta and welcome to the sweet freedom of liberty!
We understand that it will take some time for the few Albertans that decided to vote and therefore stand for bigger government, communism and the Rankin family to come around to our way of governing. With that in mind we are hosting our victory party next weekend, stay tuned for details
The WBP will stand alone and fight against these impractical and absurd calls for change from all other parties. We already have enough change rattling around in our pockets and weighing us down. These other parties have jumped on the change bandwagon but we will not stand for it. It is a clear ploy to win voters with a gimmicky pitch to increase our coinage.
We still lament the loss of the 2 dollar bill, what the heck is a toonie anyway? Next thing you know, we’ll have a foonie instead of a 5 dollar bill, a teenie instead of a 10, a tweenie instead of a 20, and a fiffie instead of a 50. Who needs it? We don’t. REAL Albertans don’t. Only the WBP will halt the change madness and keep our light-weight, easy to carry and EASY TO SAY currency.
All other parties would have you investing in change wallets. Ask yourself this, who really stands to benefit from an increase in change? That’s right the change wallet industry. And, further, ask yourself how many of these parties are hiding secret ties to this industry. The WBP sure isn’t hiding anything and promises you transparency and a full inquiry into this travesty to discover the roots of the insidious change wallet industry, clearly driving this move to change.
Enchanté de faire votre connaissance M. Dijon ! Ça fait trois semaines maintenant depuis que vous avez annoncé votre parti, mais il y a encore beaucoup d’albertains – surtout d’albertains francophones – qui ne sont pas au courant de vos politiques. Quelle est votre platforme ?
Le parti Wild Boar est le SEUL parti de la droite, le seul parti carrément libertaire. Nous croyons aux gouvernements petits, et aux candidats minuscules. C’est pour ça qu’on ne permet pas de candidats qui on plus de 1,5m… et on préfère franchement qu’ils soient nettement plus petits.
Ou avez-vous appris votre français ? Etes-vous francophone ?
Non, j’ai appris le français parce que je cherchais l’amour, et nous savons tous que le français, c’est la langue de l’amour. Mais après tout, les sangliers préfèrent simplement grogner.
Quelle était l’inspiration pour votre nom?
Depuis 2 ans les sangliers envahissent l’Alberta. On voulait montrer à tous qu’on a une place légitime dans cette province et dans le dialogue politique – que nous sommes, en effet, les seuls qui aient une place légitime dans le dialogue politique en Alberta.
Il me semble que vous avez des idées intéressantes en ce qui concerne le Ministère de l’environnement. Pourriez-vous élaborer ?
Avec plaisir. Nous croyons fermement à l’économie de marché pour la conservation environnementale. Tout simplement, si les animaux travaillent, s’ils ont des emplois, on les valorisera. Ils échapperont ainsi à l’extinction et ils pourront rétablir leur dignité anéantie… ils se rendront, enfin… utiles. On leur accordera donc le statu de « personne ». Aucuns remerciements nécessaires, PETA. Vos orques « captives » seront parmi les premières à connaître la dignité d’un salaire. En outre, nous bannirons David Suzuki aux collines de la Nouvelle Ecosse – le ciel est tombant la aussi, Petit Poulet ! Nous avons bien d’autres idées sur le tourisme dans les « Freedom Sands » – restez au courant sur twitter (@wildboarparty) !
Qu’est-ce que vous essayez d’achever ?
Ce qu’on aimerait achever, c’est la victoire – la victoire pour le parti Wild Boar, la victoire pour la philosophie libertaire, et la victoire pour tout Albertain. Et il faut dire que nous en sommes confiants. Nous croyons que les Albertains ne devraient pas être obligés de voter sauf s’ils choisissent de défier la droite, donc on compte les abstentions comme voix pour le parti Wild Boar. Etant donné les résultats d’élections précédentes en Alberta, nous attendons un gouvernement majoritaire.
D’ou vient votre revenu ?
Elle vient de la vente de produits pétroliers, principalement la Vaseline. Nos produits à base de Vaseline seront bientôt disponibles en ligne. Parmi eux, on comptera « L’âme perdue de Preston Manning » et « Théorie du ruissellement».
Des candidats albertains ont fait des commentaires récemment en ce qui regarde l’ethnicité. Avez-vous quelque chose à dire là-dessus ?
Est-ce-que le pétrole ne reflète pas chaque couleur de l’arc-en-ciel ? Les sociétés, ont-elles de « couleurs » ? Surtout pas ! C’est pour ça qu’on vous encourage de voter pour votre société préférée le 23 Avril. Après tout, les sociétés sont des personnes, elles aussi. Et carrément incolores. Voir transparentes.
Avez-vous d’autres politiques?
Et oui !! Comme le puissant sanglier, nos politiques sont inépuisables. Non plus de permis de conduire, d’état-nounou, de… de nounous ! Plus de totalitarisme dans nos écoles – dorénavant, les enfants s’enseignent eux-mêmes. Et non plus de vote anonyme ! Si on n’est pas libertaire fier, il faudra le déclarer. De plus, nous prolongerons la durée de termes politiques de 40 ans a 80 ans – il faut décidément qu’on pense plus au long-terme!
Qu’est-ce que vous pouvez promettre aux francophones en Alberta ?
De meilleures études en langue anglaise. Si le français c’est la langue de l’amour, l’anglais est la langue du capitalisme, et le parti Wild Boar croit a l’économie du marché. Dorénavant, on garde l’amour, et le français, bien à la maison. C’est une question de « ne demandez pas, n’en parlez pas ». Aucune question de « solidarité » en public!
Qu’est-ce que vous planifiez comme activités au cours de votre campagne ?
Comme d’habitude – on va à la chasse de truffes, on participe à la lutte dans la boue, et bien sur, nous conduisons notre immense espèce de gouffre pétrolière, es$# tabar#$%! Notre camion de campagne à de véritables couilles. Au sens littéral. D’énormes couilles. Et de bien meilleurs pare-chocs que l’autobus du parti Wild Rose !
Here it is fellow Boars, the WBP campaign bus. It is clear that this is what inspired the Wild Rose leader’s Bust Bus, and while we know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery it is clear now that she did not have the balls to let the bust bus roll on.
This is not our Mot%#r Fucking Truck, this is the bus that houses the recreational support for our roaming leader Agouti Dijon. In the bus are rock stars partying like politicians and politicians rolling in the mud like Boar. The journalists that are embedded with the campaign are on the bus and of course, we have a seat saved for Ezra Levant’s glasses, should they ever decide to join the campaign in a less ceremonial capacity.
If you would like to have our ballsy bus parked in a cul-de-sac near you just let us know and we will try to get it there.
What is Ethical Oil of Olay? Well dear friends, it is a new hair treatment made from byproducts of our very own freedom sands. What does it do for your hair? Well the best example are Ezra Levant’s eyebrows, we have it on very good information that Ezra’s secret behind those full and voluptuous eyebrows are that he uses Ethical Oil of Olay each and every morning. Have you seen Manmeet Bhullar’s amazing beard? He has Ethical Oil of Olay to thank for that facial accessory. Last but certainly not least is that Thomas Lukaszuk’s delicious coif is in fact an animal that sustains itself only on Ethical Oil of Olay. The WBP has acquired exclusive video footage of Lukaszuk’s locks logging on to wildboarparty.ca to order a case of Ethical Oil of Olay.
Get yours while it lasts!
We are issuing an appeal to the Wild Rose “party” to drop their satirical act and leave the election playing field to those of us taking politics seriously. Their antics have, quite frankly, become very distracting. In recent days, it has become abundantly clear that this is a party trying desperately to be funny with some very over the top posts. While faintly amusing, they are taking away from the REAL issues that REAL Albertans care about. Now let me be very clear, we enjoy a good joke as much as the geese do, but there isn’t anything funny about people’s right to be happy. We at the WBP are as gay as we can be as often as we can be. If elected, we will take our gayness to the homes of every Albertan!
These goofball antics are crowding out debate about important issues – people want to know what their government will do about decorative pillows, markers in packs of 4 (what an absurd idea, the WBP plans to prosecute the inventor immediately upon our election victory), and chewing gum that is any colour other than green. There is no room for public debate on these concerns and getting REAL when the satirical Rosers are spamming the airways with their marginally funny satire and their careless disregard for important concerns like making sure that the rich experience the extra rights they are entitled to.
We have been at the doors for the last 2 weeks so we know what Albertans care about. We have heard their little declarations and have ignored the stupid ones. Our policies are resonating – bacon as the provincial flower, freedom sands, flying squirrels as the state bird, and weaponized mountains. Wild Rose “party” if you are true Albertans with true patriotism, you will cease and desist your little act now and let the REAL Albertans get REAL.
Introducing the Wild Boar Family Act.
Free Long Term Care for Seniors.
We are bringing conservatism home – and your grandparents!
By fully privatizing long term health care for seniors the Wild Boar Party upholds the conservative values the Wild Rose and PC parties only pay lip service to. Family values are the core of conservatism and we will help ensure families stay together with our Family Act. By saving billions in long term facility costs, we give seniors the choice of paying for quality private long-term care or staying at home with their families.
Bringing Conservatism Home™
Free Childcare for all families.
For the last 40 years conservatives have successfully held off heavily subsidized Quebec style childcare in this province. But the liberal creep that has infected the Wild Rose and ‘Progressive’ Conservatives is threatening to change all that with their insulting and insignificant tax credit programs, which every Albertan knows does nothing to offset the enormous financial burden childcare costs put on working families. After all, how does the current $100 tax credit help anyone when faced with rising costs day care and nanny services that range from $900-$2700+/month?
The Wild Boar Party does not believe in the nanny state and Albertans can rest assured that only the Wild Boar Party will eliminate the wasteful transfer of public funds to ‘Big Childcare’ and reduce the cost of child care services in this province to $0 with the Wild Boar Family Act. Like our Homeschooling Act, the Family Act is aimed at upholding traditional conservative values, we are bringing kids home where they belong.
Free Long Term Health Care.
Free Child Care.
Keeping families together. Bringing Conservatism Home™
The WBP is in full support of conscience rights. But, as usual, the WildRose has taken a potentially amazing idea and weakened it with their lefty ideology and thoughtless socialism. The Wild Boar way is the RIGHT way and we pledge to make conscience rights a fundamental freedom. When you find something unconscionable, we promise to uphold your free and clear conscience. Your conscience will drive this province – after all, Albertans and their consciences are what make this province the best place on earth to be free. While travelling this great province on our Little Declaration tour we heard from REAL Albertans; below is a list of things that the Wild Boar find unconscionable and will seek to legislate into oblivion once we declare victory in the upcoming election:
Cell phone holders on belts: your pocket is right there D-Bag!
Pants without pockets
Dishes that cannot go in the dishwasher
Anne of Green Gables
The Wild Boar Party is here to counteract the Bunny PR machine, which has been perpetuating the Easter Bunny myth for years. The bunnies are a force to be reckoned with – the sheer numbers alone are daunting and the operation is astoundingly well organized. We see evidence of this dramatic collusion in the West through the North Haven bunnies (single-handedly responsible for the Western wing of Strategic Bunny Communications) and the Bunnies of Bridgeland (in charge of the Easter Bunny Deception Campaign).
These bunnies don’t want you asking the tough questions so lucky for you the WBP know the truth. As if that rabbit could deliver all those eggs without wings. What are we teaching our children about physics, let alone the space-time continuum? Clearly, delivering Easter eggs are the domain of a winged animal and we all know that bunnies don’t have wings. The diabolical Easter Bunny has been taking credit for the Flying Easter Pig for long enough. The WBP won’t stand for it anymore – so this weekend, remember to thank the Flying Easter Pig as you enjoy your chocolate bunnies. And, fellow Boar brethren, keep asking those difficult questions and feel confident that the WBP are here to take on the likes of those deceptive and cunning little rabbits.
Alberta boasts the highest per-capita university educated population, but also the highest debt-load for its graduates. Even as Canada’s richest province continues to prosper, things continue to worsen for Alberta students who have alarmingly saw the highest rates of tuition increases among all the provinces in recent years. Education reform is claimed to be the top priority in this election for every political party with many of the candidates promising to cut or even eliminating high tuition fees, but at what cost? All of these policies will either require higher taxes and ever increasing public spending.
In the end, such promises are inevitably not kept, with the province cutting $80 million dollars from the education budget in 2009 and $100 million in 2011. Restoration is always promised around elections, but as we have seen historically budget cuts will continue as the political parties increasingly devalue education. Education is too important for the future of our great province to continue to leave it in the public trust and the inconstant hands of big government.
We at the Wild Boar Party believe education should be free and available to everyone. Other parties have failed in the past to provide real reform and sustainable funding to education, but that is because they were unwilling to make the changes Albertans want and demand. Even as we eliminate all taxes in the province, we will provide free education from preschool through university for every single Albertan with our new Homeschooling Act.
Free Education for all, now and forever.